AkuSai - Make Me Remember
by Rae'vyn Phiar
Summary: My first fic for this pairing, so PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK! Saix is having troubles with his memories overwhelming him, giving him feelings and thoughts he doesn't understand. Driven nearly to the edge, Axel is his salvation and promises to help. Thanks for reading, reviewing, faving, and following! Rated M for YAOI KISSES AND MENTAL STUFF. Thanks again! 3
1. Chapter 1

_My first AkuSai… Yeah… No promises on the content, so_ _ **pretty please review and give me tips.**_ _I need them. I hope to either leave this as-is as a one-shot or make it a several-chapter thing. You guys tell me. Thanks!_

 _Thanks for reading, reviewing, faving, and following! Please tell your friends about my content if you liked it, it may help me to find new ideas for prompts if they suggest anything! Also, please review! Anything, and I mean_ _ **anything**_ _, helps me out! And please ask for whatever you want here; I won't judge! Thanks again!_

 _Rated M for YAOI KISSING AND A BIT OF MENTAL STUFF. I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Saїx, Axel, Isa, or Lea. Thanks again!_

 **AkuSai – Make Me Remember**

Saїx felt emptier than he usually did. It hurt somewhere inside, in that place where a heart used to reside. It hurt so much to not have a grip on his memories like he once had, letting them circle around in his mind endlessly. He was used to reigning control over his memories of the time spent as a Somebody, a person who owned a heart… He was accustomed to using them to control others, but never himself.

"Lea…" He said that name out loud. That name… Where had it come from? It sounded familiar, sounding like it meant something to the diviner, but he couldn't place what the meaning was. It hurt his head too much to try to think about it. "Lea… Who are you…?"

The blunette wanted so badly to remain sane, not to lose his head and go berserk… But this strange pain… He bit at his lips, trying to hold it in. The diviner jumped at a small bite of pain, feeling a bead of blood surface from the wound on his lip, inflicted by sharpening teeth. He felt disgusted at the coppery taste, spitting the crimson saliva on the white floor of his room. His other hand twisted into his blankets, as if they alone could hold him back.

A knock on his door and a slightly sarcastic laugh came from outside his door. The Nobody stiffened and looked at the door with yellowing eyes. He knew exactly whose laughter that was.

"Hey, if you plan to stay in here all day that's fine by me. Might as well sleep all day if you can." Axel's voice hit deep into his skull, hurting him far more and awakening some buried memory the diviner wanted to rid himself of as soon as he'd become what he was now…

 _"C'mon Isa…!"_ No… No no no no… His voice, his name… Who was Isa…? Saїx clutched at his hurting head as his door opened. The air became far warmer now with the redhead's presence in his room. _"I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people's memories... I can live forever."_ Who are you…?!

"C'mon Saїx." Axel's voice turned softer as he strode in and smiled at the elder blunette. "If you don't get your butt up then I'll have to drag it out. The others are waiting for you." Saїx didn't want to hear his words. Those meaningless words… Trying to remember what that young Somebody's mind used to be… Then he found it.

"Axel…" He spoke slowly, cautiously, but still maintained a cool demeanor as the redhead sat down next to him. "Do you know… a person named Lea…?"

Axel looked a bit confused, then leaned back a bit and jerked a thumb at the center of his chest. "That Somebody used to be me. I don't like to think about that too much." Saїx' physical heart jumped at that memory, of the idiot redheaded boy who was all too willing to break schedules to mess around… He had no clue as to why that happened.

The diviner knew what to ask next, moving to face the flame-wielder a bit but still keeping his head down, glaring darkly at his knees as he tried to keep himself calm. To remain as much a Nobody as possible…

"Then do you remember Isa?" He tightened his hands in the sheets and his jacket a bit more. "I have vague memories of being called Isa, and I think that's why we are still close. But I'm not sure as to why…" Shut up. Just shut up, Saїx…

Then he felt calm, warm hands move to his shoulder and cheek, tilting his chin up from his stare and meeting soft green eyes and a softer, kinder smile. "Isa… was Lea's friend. A great friend. A best friend…" It seemed as if the younger man had difficulty saying it, as if it pained him in some way. The blunette took a chance, pressing a hand to the redhead's chest lightly and feeling the thudding heartbeat against his palm.

"Friends…" The word sounded foreign to the diviner. He'd heard it before, but in this moment it sounded so strange… Axel smiled a little more and moved the hand on his face to hold the side of his cheek, his thumb running along a sharp cheekbone for a second.

"You've suppressed those memories…?" The elder nodded slightly, the anger and frustration and fear from before lost in the redhead's touch. "But you remember Lea and Isa…?" He nodded again and closed his brilliant topaz eyes.

Saїx would never allow himself to admit it, but the younger man's touch felt really good on his shoulder. Even better on his face, comforting even. He dropped the hand on his chest and rested it on Axel's waist lightly. "Then… Are we friends?"

"Saїx… I think you know that answer…" Then a warm touch made the diviner remember. Burning heat broke the chains that he'd bound around his memories, and he allowed them to suffuse his mind as he moved his mouth softly against the redhead's. The blunette's hand didn't move as much as fly to the side of his face, feeling Axel's strong jaw and shoulders, his opposite hand moving around his waist to his back as he held him close for a bit. His breath came shakily and slowly, something that he'd never known before.

The emerald-eyed man leaned away and watched the elder's face with a bit of awe. He'd taken on an expression of lost, pleased wonder, something that the cold, stone-faced Saїx would've never let show otherwise. There was even a small smile on the blunette's lips, making him far more kissable for a little longer before the diviner pulled away to speak.

"You are Lea… or you were, at least… That's why all I feel inside is happiness… Why we're still friends…" It was a lot to comprehend, but Saїx wanted to understand all of it. He'd go slowly, with Axel at his side. With the heat to burn away the fear and the pain.

"Yes… And you used to be Isa…" He met the elder's lips once more before moving to stand. "Sorry if this ruins the mood at all, but you really need to get down there. Luxord and Roxas and Xigbar were going to start playing poker and that never ends well. Don't want the two older guys drunk on their missions…" He ran his fingers lightly around Saїx' mouth before kissing it once more and standing. "Get your game face on."

It took a bit of effort, but the diviner turned back to that emotionless Nobody against his will. He kissed the younger man back lightly and then stood with him. He didn't know why… He wanted to know why he kissed him… "Axel?"

The fire-dancer opened his door. "Yeah?"

"Will you teach me… more about… what we used to be?"

"… Anytime." It felt good to know that Saїx felt this too; the need to know more. Axel had always known something existed between them, something that still lingered now. But it'd probably be a while before the blunette felt anything like he did. The redhead knew that what he felt was a lot stronger than just friends. A lot…

"I have one more question."

"Go ahead, Axel."

"Do you know what love is?"

"…"

"Never mind…" He'd teach it to Saїx in time… No need to rush things right now. He didn't want the elder to be tainted by careless emotions yet. Axel would have to learn how to hold back too until the elder learned what this all was.

He remembered the times when they used to be Somebodies… He remembered that… and all he wanted was for the elder to remember too. To remember why he'd kissed him and why it hurt inside to see him so weak and defeated… It hurt to see Saїx like that. Axel was so used to seeing him as a cold, constantly stern person. Even in the past he had been like that sometimes.

But now, just now… It was like the past too, when Isa used to open up and be emotional with him when he used to be Lea… A warmth spread through his chest a little, taking his breath away as he walked. The redhead wanted more of that side of the elder… He wanted him to understand everything about them and what they were and could be.

Axel would be willing to wait until he no longer existed if that was needed for Saїx to understand.


	2. Chapter 2

_A bit short and a little sad and confusing, but it's finished! I hope you guys like it! I'm planning on one or two more chapters, with the actual confession in the one I put smut in. Probably just one more though._

 _Thanks for reading, reviewing, faving, and following! Please tell your friends about my content if you liked it, it may help me to find new ideas for prompts if they suggest anything! Also, please review! Anything, and I mean_ _ **anything**_ _, helps me out! And please ask for whatever you want here; I won't judge! Thanks again!_

 _Rated M for YAOI KISSES AND MENTAL SHIT AGAIN. I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Axel, Roxas, Lea, or Isa. Thanks!_

 **AkuSai – Make Me Remember – Chapter Two**

Stretching out on his bed with his hands interlaced behind his head, Axel was completely relaxed. It had been a long day destroying the Heartless, followed by happier times spent with Roxas and Xion. It was everyday and seemingly ordinary, but something nagged in the back of his head. What was it? Something someone had said? An order or something he'd forgotten about…? His eyes slid closed silently as his mind drifted into sleep, too tired to think about such a thing.

"Axel." A low voice called his name, and the redhead opened his eyes to see a tall man standing at the foot of his bed. Raising his eyes to see the newcomer, he was surprised to see that it was Saїx, the look on his face anything but ordinary for him. He remembered what he'd forgotten: that promise he'd made to himself to help the blunette… The diviner looked just like he had that one morning… When he was scared and stressed and frustrated to no end. "Can we talk?"

The younger man nodded and sat up, patting a spot on the mattress which the blunette took after a moment's contemplation. "What's the problem?" He gasped internally when the far bigger man leaned into his side and closed his eyes, resting his head on the flame-dancer's shoulder.

"It's been a few days... I thought what I wanted was to learn these memories slowly… But now what I want inside my head and what the rest of me wants to do… The two parts conflict too much. It's confusing and I don't understand it…"

Axel nodded a bit. "Is it like when you first came into existence? Like you've forgotten things and you want to know everything all at once and as soon as you can?" Saïx nodded a bit, letting the younger man's warmth suffuse him, enrapture him. Consume him if that's what it would take to melt the chains that were out of his control. "What are you feeling about the memories you do know?"

"I've come to terms with a majority of them. I understand why my Somebody felt like that…" Envy, anger, and fear. Those were the emotions that Saïx understood best, implementing them to subject others to his will. He accustomed to using those.

But the other ones, the joy and the compassion and the thing Axel called friendship… Those were the ones that he didn't like to think about. Those were the ones that hurt him somehow. It was difficult to remember the times he was laughing or happy… Lea and Isa had something that their two Nobodies lacked severely…

"You're kinda hurting me…" Axel clasped his hands over the arms that were suddenly holding his ribcage and shoulders in a death grip. "Freaking out again?" He smiled lightly, pitifully, at the senior member, whose face looked more pained and confused now more than ever. "Just talk to me."

"Those happier emotions hurt me…" The blunette's voice was quiet and shaky, loosening his grip on the redhead. Allowing the warmth to give him strength, Saïx found the will to keep speaking. "I don't understand why they hurt me… I don't want them to hurt. It feels emptier inside than usual…"

He didn't say why it felt empty, but he knew the exact cause. Not because of a heart surrendered to darkness, but the loss of a person who was so vital to him. It hurt him because he was feeling something… Something that he shouldn't even have the capability to feel… It made him want to plead for a heart so that it could be justified, so that it could actually exist.

Axel didn't really have anything to say to those words for a bit, making the elder's anxiety rise in intensity. It hurt even more in his chest… The blunette moved a hand away from the redhead's shoulder to clutch at the swelling pain, wanting nothing more than for it to end. Make it stop… Make it stop…

"Saïx. Stop that." A gentle hand moved his own away from his chest, linking their fingers together to stop him from trying again. "Stop trying to explain to yourself why things happen and _let_ them happen. Allow yourself to be carried along with them… Then you'll understand." Those twin emeralds held pain and fear in them, emotions that the elder knew well but would never exploit in the redhead… Never… Instead of speaking, the diviner nodded and raised a hand to cup the side of the flame-dancer's face.

"I already understand what it is… but I'm just confused as to why it could exist in a being like me…" The blunette rose from his spot on Axel's shoulder and kissed the lightly tanned skin along the slope of his neck, moving up the side of his throat softly and soon meeting his lips. He barely understood why he was allowing himself to act so stupidly, but the empty emotions inside felt a bit fuller as he kissed the redhead softly, feeling his mouth twine about his own. The heat broke his chains again and just before he ended the kiss, Saïx let out a small moan.

The elder had no words. No thoughts circled in his head. Nothing but a sense of belonging and fulfillment began satisfying that void inside. Filling it back up… only to drain out of him. He gazed silently into the younger man's eyes, staring into them so intently that it was as if they held the answers he so wanted and his stare alone would dig them out…

"I don't understand what it is that I'm feeling, but I know that it's good and… that I want it…" Then Saïx said nothing more. He was silent as a ghost as he stood and squeezed Axel's hand before freeing himself of the hold and walking out of the room.

Then the frustrated tears of a lost love wracked him.


	3. Chapter 3

_Last chapter and actually not smut this time. I wanted to keep the whole fluff thing going because that's want I wanted to write. I'm gonna write some smut soon though. Promise._

 _Thanks for reading, reviewing, faving, and following! Please tell your friends about my content if you liked it, it may help me to find new ideas for prompts if they suggest anything! Also, please review! Anything, and I mean_ _ **anything**_ _, helps me out! And please ask for whatever you want here; I won't judge! Thanks again!_

 _Rated M for YAOI KISSES AND CONFESSIONS. I don't own Saїx, Axel, or Kingdom Hearts._

 **AkuSai – Make Me Remember – Chapter Three**

Axel leaned up against the warm stone of the Clock Tower, closing his eyes and sighing happily. He was prepared to wait all day if he needed to for Roxas and Xion to get here. His mission was already finished, a few easy hearts released and then about a dozen sea-salt ice cream bars eaten. No winner sticks yet, though.

He heard slow footsteps and smiled, turning his head to see the newcomer. "Hey Roxas-"

"It's me. I thought you'd be here." The redhead stiffened a little at the low, smooth voice of the luna diviner. "You frequent this place." Saїx looked a bit concerned as he sat next to the younger man, not looking at him for long.

"…" Axel was stricken with silence to say the least. He crept a hand from his side to grip the elder's, feeling the strong tie that had been reformed between them. All because of the blunette's memories… this could exist. "What do you want me to say to that?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to be here with you for a while to think." Thinking was so much easier with the redhead close. And by thinking the elder meant just thinking about the nice memories and trying to sort out how he really felt. Despite being technically unable to feel anything, Saїx still wanted to feel something like the memories told him he used to be able to…

Axel's heart beat a little quickly. Was the elder man… feeling this too…? "Saїx…?"

"Yes?" The blunette turned to look at him, the redhead's gaze down at their hands for now. He wanted to make him look at his own pale topaz eyes… To see what he knew for sure he felt… The elder raised his other hand and pressed it lightly to the younger man's face, running his fingers down his jaw to clasp his chin, tugging his eyes up. "I feel like you're the one holding back… It's like you're trying to protect me even when I don't want it…"

The next thing the redhead knew was that his mouth was against the diviner's and that he was losing his mind over it. Holding back? Granted, he hadn't known that Saїx wanted to learn everything and find out things so quickly… but… He smiled into the kiss and then gasped lightly as he felt a tongue enter his mouth, savoring the elder's taste against him as he lifted his hand to clasp the back of his neck. The pale blue strands of his hair tangled so easily in his gloved fingers…

"I remember what I wanted and what I felt… And I want that now…" Saїx' voice was low and a bit husky as he ran the hand on Axel's face down behind his back, bowing his chest into him as he nipped at the redhead's lip. He heard a small moan against his lips and smirked slightly, turning his head to clasp his mouth against him tighter.

Kissing him a bit longer and lessening the touch, the blunette moved away to look into the redhead's emerald gaze, darkened with a bit of heat. Axel's face was evident; he wanted more. "I think I understand what you said before… what love is…" The elder man kissed him again and felt a hand press to his jaw lightly, pushing him back slightly.

The next thing Saїx felt was a strange, ticking sensation on the x-shaped scar to his face. He didn't pull away, though, leaning into the fingers that traced the ridges and the smooth patches of the scar. "Axel…" he breathed, the feeling turning into something that resembled pleasure… "Axel, don't…"

"Does it hurt?" The fire dancer halted his movements for a bit and squeezed the elder's hand. "I'm sorry…" He kissed the man once, softly, for an apology.

"No…" It felt strange, though. Saїx licked his dry lips and closed his eyes before speaking again. "I… I love you…" His stomach and heart lurched. It felt like the hurt from before, but it was quickly sated by a strong kiss from the younger man, a kiss that made his mind numb and his body limp.

"I'm been waiting for that for a long time…" Axel smiled and ran a finger down the side of the elder's face, tracing his lower lip gently as he gazed into knowing golden eyes that knew the same things he did. That knew naught but love and acceptance…

Those memories were the best thing to happen for the both of them. To feel that strange suffering and the confusion and the pain… In order to feel the love and the hope and to see the beauty that was found in the memories.

To feel the other's heart beating against their own and the promise of a new, real heart with the promise of love between them…


End file.
